Living from the I
Written by Amanda Hill
Hello beautiful being!
ID: close up photo of a flower with large, pink petals and a yellow center soaking in the sun.
My name is Amanda Hill and I'm a Healing Justice and Transformative Justice practitioner. As such, I've spent a fair amount of time learning about and taking part in peace circles, where group agreements are made as to how the participants in the circle will engage with each other. One of the first ground rules that typically gets laid out is to "Speak from the 'I'." To my understanding, the importance of this rule is to own our feelings and experiences rather than make assumptions about other people's. In my experience, speaking from the 'I' is difficult and reminders need to be given, because trying to understand what another person is thinking, feeling or intending has helped to navigate situations that were potentially dangerous in the past. Reading into other's intentions sometimes seems like a useful safety strategy, yet, it can also lead to assumptions that do a disservice to all parties involved.
ID: close up of a flower with large, white petals that become pink as they move towards the center.
That said, I find the "speak from the I" philosophy to be applicable in a number of areas, hence the title of this blog. Having come into adolescence and young adulthood during the rise of social media, I think a level of hyper-awareness of how others perceive me was born. In school, we were told to be careful what we post on Facebook because it would live forever on the internet and impact our ability to be hired. Additionally, there are the considerations of having coworkers, family, and barely-acquaintances having greater levels of access to your musings than ever before. Add this to the instant communication formats of email and cell phones, and there has been a fundamental shift in private space and accessibility. For me, this led to a lot of concern about what various people are thinking (about my shared thoughts, my response times, my representation of them, etc.). As a fairly private person, all this potential gaze of others felt incredibly overwhelming and I found myself shrinking and hiding to avoid it.
ID: Close up photo of a purple and yellow flower. Some of the petal curve up towards the sky while others drop down, revealing a patterns of yellow, while and purple towards the center of the flower.
Then I realized that I am the only person responsible for my happiness, and my happiness is the only person's I'm responsible for! So I've been actively working to stop worrying about the gaze of other people. This has been no easy feat given how much this worry had been shaping my behaviors for years, so I decided to swing the pendulum way in the other direction. In order to reverse this momentum, I have become adamantly self-concerned and self-contained. When I feel nervousness or resistance to do what my spirit calls for, I lovingly (and loudly) shut it down by affirming my needs and reminding myself that I am here to follow my spirit's calling. Everything else is secondary. I support my spirit's desires like I would a beloved child, and I protect that child by shielding them from any impositions from outsiders. This may look like blocking folks from posts, taking my time to respond to labor requests that aren't delightful in the moment, or reminding myself again and again that I am allowed to wear/ say/ be what I want without apology. There may be consequences, but the empowerment of living on my own terms trumps them every time.
ID: Close up photo of a pink flower with many small petals that create a swirling pattern.
A pleasant consequence of this new determination is being required to communicate my feelings with others and ask for clarity about their thoughts rather than assume. And I have been pleased to find that as I live from the I, opportunities that align with my true self become more apparent and available to me than ever before! I know that I have swung quite far to the other side of the self vs. collective pendulum. However, having been at the everyone-else-first side for a long time, this extreme feels necessary in order to finally settle into balance. I am glad to be shifting this paradigm as a chubby dark-skinned Black woman who might otherwise be expected to put myself last. At this point, the only expectations that matter are my own; mammification be damned! I invite you to feel into such an energy for yourself if you've been feeling like your cup is empty, and I wish you abundance and breath and overflowing delight whilst living from your I!
~ Amanda