Learning Peace — Healing by Choice!

Peace is something I never knew I was looking for. Yet, I have always been searching for it. I have always craved it. I have always missed it.

For the last year, I’ve been building a relationship with this elusive state of being. It is one that I entered into with hesitation. I didn’t trust it, and I wasn’t sure I wanted it. Our relationship is not perfect. It’s been grueling and painful. It’s also been really beautiful.

I didn’t expect 2020. I don’t think anyone did. The amount of uncertainty, fear, grief and anger that gripped this country and our communities, was overwhelming. I learned from an early age how to block feelings and emotions I didn’t want to deal with. They made appearances and sometimes made it to the surface, but for the most part, I knew how to keep them tucked away.

In May 2020, I woke up one day, and my spirit said “no”. It said no to toxic relationships I was engaged in. My spirit said no to me always saying “yes”. It said no to pretending I was ok after being sexually assaulted in 2019. It said no to my “fight” response. I was trying to function with a broken heart, but my spirit said no more. My body spoke to me in the form of a terrifying panic attack. Spirit was telling me it was time to get to the heart of the matter.

I needed to deal with and heal my deeper wounds and my own toxicity. I knew the work wouldn’t be easy, and I wasn’t a stranger to inner child work. I just didn’t like it.

I’ve seen energy healers for about 14 years. I knew I needed additional support, so I sought out a therapist. We met bi weekly, and it was weird. At first. After a few sessions, I started to look forward to those appointments. I knew that if I wanted all the abandonment, betrayal, grief and disappointment off my heart and mind, I needed to commit to the work and the process. I needed to be “vulnerable”. A word and a feeling I hated.

That work taught me to honor my body and my feelings. I learned to love and affirm myself. I was surprised by how much I welcomed the work and the process. Something was happening. Something I didn’t recognize. It felt good, but I was uncomfortable. I was describing the feeling to my therapist and she just smiled. She told me what I was experiencing was peace. I created a safe space for myself. I eliminated people and things from my life that were unsafe and drained my energy. I didn’t know how to deal with what was left.

What they don’t tell you about “the work” is that what comes after is also a process. It is a difficult process. I grew up in chaos. I know chaos. I can function in chaos. Peace? Safety? Ease? Love? I don’t know.

What I do know is this is a relationship that is still new. I am grateful for the moments we have together. I love how we are learning each other, with patience and understanding. I call and peace responds. This is a relationship I want to nurture. I want to keep building on the foundation we’ve laid and the intimacy we’re building. I want to keep learning peace.